I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
