im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
