The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
