Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
