peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
