We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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