I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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