I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
