I hate your face
it wasn't lemon gatorade
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
They have beer where we have blood.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
