I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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