im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
