will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
