trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Quick, to the slutcave!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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