I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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