So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
