Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
