I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Drake has all the answers
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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