So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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