Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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