Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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