I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
