Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
