im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
