Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
