It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
