I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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