Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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