"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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