I just pynch a tree in the face
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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