my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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