This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think people are normalizing furries
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
