I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize