I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
