I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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