just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
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ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
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I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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