I like my sex mixed with concussions.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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