I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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