i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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