My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
