I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
