i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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