U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
