Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
