I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
