I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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