if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
