I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
