I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
