Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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