i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
