Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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