you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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