you guys were way drunker than both of me
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
