I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
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while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
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Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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